The Power of Like

The Power of Like

Social media reveals an interesting characteristic about us humans - we like to be liked.  Mark Zuckerberg and the good people of Facebook created the little “like” icon to be used to express immediate and positive feedback regarding a post.  I use it all the time when viewing the posts of my friends.  If I like a picture, a post, a video, or a comment I use my mouse to hover the cursor over the “like” button and then click.  The person who made the post now has immediate and positive feedback that, I think, what they posted was swell (the word Facebook would have used, instead of “like”, if it was around in the 1950’s!)

If you don’t mind, I want to climb into the confessional booth and open my soul to you.  What I share is something, I think, I hope, that you also experience.  So, I post a bit on Facebook.  Hey, don’t we all?  I’ll post a picture, maybe a video, sometimes it is just a few words, but then…here comes my confession, I check back to see how many people have liked what I posted.  Please, tell me you do the same!  I’m convinced I am not alone.  Most of us do this and it reveals something about our nature.  We want to be liked.  We are relational beings.  Social by design.  This is how God wired us.  Part of our social nature is that we want, even desire, people to like us.  Though I don’t know this to be true, I suspect that the less we are liked in the “real world” the more we yearn to be liked in the “virtual world”.  Perhaps the reason Second Life (Google it) is so big is because people who feel un-liked experience what it means to actually be liked.  When people talk to you, even seek you out, it gives you the same feeling as when someone “likes” your post on Facebook.

So let’s cut to the chase (BTW that’s an old Hollywood movie term that meant let’s get to the good stuff – as in, the chase).  If, inherent in our created nature, is this yearning to be liked, affirmed, accepted, appreciated, or wanted, why don’t we first give this to others?  I know, the obvious answer is we’re just needy, selfish people.  In college I remember learning about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.  Our survival, our own needs, come first before we can be altruistic.  Enter Jesus.  (See how I brought in another movie phrase?  You can like this later. )  Jesus had this way of turning the world upside down.  Jesus taught that what we give is what we get, “Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.” Luke 6:38.  Pause here.  The principle at work, from my interpretation, is that what we give, we get back.  Want to be liked?  Start liking others. Period.  End of   sentence. 

All of us want to be liked.  I am a pretty confident guy but I look to see how many people like a post or a comment.  Maybe I am not as confident as I think.  Here’s the chase.  Let's just do what we can to “like” people.  Appreciate the checker at Wal-Mart.  Thank your partner for what they do.  Give a thumbs up to your kids.    Give a kudos to the wait staff.  Accept the person who is different. Tell the person who works for you how grateful you are she/he is with you. Appreciate people.  Affirm people.  Like people and you will see returns.  In business terminology this is your ROI.  Look for what people do well and let them know that. You will get back more than you pour into them.  Pour into your partner.  Pour into your kids.  Pour into your friends. Pour into the people you work with or who work for you. Pour into your congregants.  Pour into people who you don’t know because it just might be that they need to be “liked”.  In doing so, God will pour into you and more and more people will like you.   What you give really is what you get, whether you like it or not.

6 Tips for Pastors for Handling Criticism

I visited recently with a pastor who got one of those "anonymous letters" that criticized both the pastor and family.  The letter was brutal.  You already know that people who write anonymous letters are cowards who pretend like they represent "many" others with the same concerns.  I been the recipient of those letters more than once.  It's easy to let their words sink deep into our soul and stain our spirit.  In the course of many years in ministry I've had personal threats against me and my family, I've been called the spawn of Satan, and I've listened as people criticized my preaching, my leadership ability, my bad habits, my wife not being "more active" in the church, and the list goes on.  So here are some tips I pass on that may help you deal with criticism when it falls on your doorstep.

1. Expect it.  Jesus said, "I'm sending you out like sheep among wolves." Matthew 10:16.  There are lots of great people in the world and there are few that can be pretty mean-spirited.  When you're in ministry you can expect that someone isn't going to like what you are doing or where you are leading.  You can count on it.  Some people will offer constructive criticism that is meant to build you up while others will find every bad thing about you and let you and everyone else know because they want to tear you down.  One way to deal with criticism is to expect it and be prepared to deal with it.  Here's how:

2. Respond but don't react.  When you react you tend to let the emotions out without much care for the other and you can say things and do things you'll later regret. In fact, reacting often adds fuel to the fire. When you respond you're listening while remaining a non-anxious presence.  You bring professionalism and calmness to an anxious moment.  Personally, this is the hard one for me.  I tend to be bold and unfiltered and that has gotten me in trouble a few times. More than once I've reacted and yelled back which just complicated the matter and undermined my pastoral integrity.  1 Peter 3:9 offers words of instruction when we've been criticized, "Don't repay evil for evil. Don't snap back at those who say unkind things about you. Instead, pray for God's help for them, for we are to be kind to others, and God will bless us for it."

3. Embrace the good.  Ditch the Bad.  There are times when people offer words of criticism that actually ring true in our ears.  When criticized take time to reflect for the truth within it.  I remember being taken out for coffee by two gentlemen in one of my early churches who were the pillars of the church.  Being asked to have coffee with them meant, to me, that I had made it into their good graces.  Over coffee they told me that my sermon had good content but my delivery sucked.  They told me I had a year to fix it or I would no longer be their pastor.  I listened to their words and found truth there.  I set forth a plan that moved me from the pulpit to the floor, from notes to no notes, and my preaching soared.  I am a better preacher because these two people had the courage to talk with me and I had the ability to embrace what they said.  Other times, I've had people just say mean things, critical things, clearly with the attempt not to make me better but make me bitter.  It's hard not take things personally but I've learned in this gig we need thick skin because not every criticism is constructive.  A lot of criticism just has no truth in it, rather it's because someone doesn't like what's happening or isn't getting their way.  When you sense truth it  - embrace it.  When you sense there is no truth - ditch it.

4. Hold firm to your vision.  As Pastor of a church you are the visionary leader.  You've been appointed to listen to God, the people, the context and then plot a path forward.  I don't need to tell you that when you change things you create conflict.  Some people will feel threatened, some won't agree with you that what you are doing is from God, some will fight you tooth and nail.  They want you to quit.  They criticize, they nit-pick, they fault-find, they send anonymous letters, they will stir up the crowd, as did the Pharisees when Jesus stood before Pontius Pilate, because they want you to throw in the towel. They want you to give up.  Instead of moving toward the promised land they want you to take them back to Egypt.  Listen, if God has given you a vision and that vision has been affirmed by many in the congregation don't let the preferences of a few derail you from accomplishing God's purposes for your church.  Hold firm to the path.  Stay committed to the journey.  It will be hard.  It will challenging.  There will be days when you want to give up - don't.  Hold firm to the vision.

5. Let critical people leave. (Sometimes invite them too.) Many of us, a pastors, don't like it when people are unhappy.  We're people pleasers.  We want people to stay and feel good.  Obviously, we need to talk to disgruntled and critical people to hear them, to understand their concerns and to share why we, as pastors, are leading down a particular path.  If they can't jump on board with the vision you've articulated and the congregation has affirmed then it's okay for them to leave.  They will be happier elsewhere and so will you. Never take this step lightly.  Pray about it.  Read Matthew 18.  Reflect on this scripture, on the situation, and on your motives. Talk with your leadership about it. Sometimes people need to be invited to leave because their presence is an obstacle to forward movement and because they will be happier elsewhere.

6. Turn to your trusted colleagues and leadership.  The scripture reminds us to offer encouragement to each other but there are times when we need to let others speak into us. We need to hear their affirmations of our ministry.  We need to be reminded that we're leading people through the wilderness and it's normal for them to want to go back to the familiar.  We need to hear that God is with us even when it seems the wolves are circling around us. And it's true, our friends will help us to see if there is truth in the criticism and help us to grow and change so that we can more effectively lead God's people.

Criticism in our vocation is going to happen but it doesn't have to cripple your spirit.  You can rise above it.  May God's Spirit strengthen you for the rewarding and difficult journey of serving God's people.